Your new single Ska Beat is fantastic. I've put it on repeat in my mp3 player and have been dancing to it for over 12 hours now, stopping only for toilet breaks. Have you got any tips on how you went about writing such a brilliant song?

Normally we don't give our secrets away, but in this case (if you promise not to pass it on), we will let you into the Special Brew creative process. Maybe there's something here that can make your next single a hit (though I wouldn't bet on it - you either have it or you don't, and if you're writing to us, it aint there).

Before commencing make sure you have an account set up with a bottle shop that delivers. People sometimes think that creative genius comes quickly and spontaneously, but it takes us many hours of drinking before we are liquored up enough to start.

The next thing you need is a catchy melody. We mostly steal them from other successful songs, but you might want to do it the hard way and play around for hours and hours trying to find the perferct tune. We've got better things to do with our time, but hell, it's your brain.

Once the melody is sorted, its time to think up some words. We had a guy write us a random word generator program for the Special Brew PC and this can deliver lyrics for a song in about 230 msecs. They're not good, but they're quick - which after all is the catch cry of the music industry now-a-days. Using this system we once wrote the lyrics for over 12,000 songs in one afternoon.

Finally, it's time to record. Usually by this stage we're so pissed we can't even find our instruments, but that's OK, since we employ real musicians to do the actual playing. Although you may think this is cheating, it's how all the big bands from the Beatles to Madonna do it.

I am particularly unattractive and have difficulties with women. I also have some social habits that are actually banned in certain catholic countries. As fabulously successful musicians I know you have no problems in that area, what with women throwing themselves on stage and all. Any help you could provide would be greatly appreciated and better than the advice I've been finding on toilet walls.

You may be amazed to learn that the Brew boys would normally be considered congenital loosers too. But there's something about being an international ska sensation that drives the ladies wild (we've noticed the same effect with cats too).

Short of becoming an international ska sensation yourself, your options are fairly limited. If you are really at the hog end of the ugly-scale about the only thing we can recommend is moving to a cold climate where you will have an excuse to wear a balaclava. If you are a little less repulsive we would suggest developing some special woman-attracting skills, such as learning to roll your eyes in two directions at once. As for your unfortunate habits, make sure you get your dates very drunk, very fast. This is simple yet effective, and an investment that pays off.

SB does not condone drug taking of any sort, unless they are prescription drugs, alcohol, tobacco, heavy doses of codeine, smoked bananas, trippy mushrooms, hash brownies, organic e, or blended blue cheese. We think you should just say NO. It worked for Ronald Regan (though, when we think of it, he was certainly on something).

However, since you have asked, we put a team of dedicated researchers onto the problem. You can go to Jeda's Deli - see Joe, and ask for "a quarter pounder and large fries". Be prepared to hand over significant cash. If you tell him SB sent you, you'll get a salami thrown into the deal.

I have strange odours emenating from much of my body, and my partner will not let me close the windows even though it's winter. When I ask what's wrong, she changes the subject or rushes out and paints the back shed.

My problem is, she's now bought a deep diving suit and is wearing it around the house. The scuba gas refills are costing a fortune and our credit card is near it's limit. When we got married, she promised to love me for better or worse - now I feel used.

Your partner is obviously insane. But don't worry, this is not a hard problem to fix. We approached an eminent psychiatrist, who suggested the following simple remedy for your ungrateful partner. First, you need to obtain a "Commitment of the Mentally Feeble" form, which you can get at any Deli or good newsagent. Then, you need to fill in the "committee's" name (your fishwife of a partner), and obtain 3 signatures declaring she is silly as a bandicoote. SB has found the best way to obtain signatures is to become a care-visitor at old age centres. You can usually get the inmates to sign pretty much anything (while you're at it, get them to sign a will naming you as sole benefactor). Then, after the witch gets carted away to the loony factory, you can sit down with a beer and scratch your arse.

Thankyou for your photo and your kind offer. We already have 9 members of the group (have a look at us), but you may be just what we are looking for. Of course, we couldn't pay you for a few years until you became officially one of the pack.

I find myself unbelievably attracted to all your band members. Not only the music, but SEXUALLY. I find myself browsing your site for hours at a time. I have made a shrine in my room out of my Ken and Barbie collection dressed in Special Brew Black.

I've papered my entire ceiling with a collage made of your photos. I find myself writing long letters which I never send. Worse; now I am becoming insanely jealous of all your other fans, and feel an almost uncontrollable urge to murder them so I can have you all for myself.